I Don't Have the Answers...

It's taken me all weekend to begin to process what happened in Parkland, Florida.  I put it aside and compartmentalized it until I was ready to deal with it.  I still don't think I'm ready.  On and off all weekend when I have been by myself,  I've shed tears over the precious lives that were taken.  I've shed tears over the tragedy that struck 17 families.  I've shed tears over the teachers, coaches, custodians, and more who chose to put their lives in harm's way.

My tears have been over the loss.  They have been over the pain.  But more than anything, they have been shed over this as a reality for educators and students.

20 years ago when I made the decision to become an educator, school shootings were not the norm.  No one was asking if I would be willing to stand in front of my students and die to protect them.

I remember where I was when Columbine happened.  We were living in Juneau, Alaska and I was subbing in a kindergarten class for the week.  The day after Columbine, our elementary school had a fire drill.  I never thought I would have to tell students that it wasn't a shooting, just a fire drill.

When I taught in Louisiana, we had an active shooter drill that required law enforcement to come into the school as intruders.  Gunfire is not a sound that should be heard in a school.  Even knowing it was a drill, I was terrified.

Even writing about it causes me anxiety.

After every school shooting in recent years, I've returned to my classroom,  but I find myself thinking about exit strategies, ways to hide students, ways to stay safe.  It's not natural.

There is no way to hide 28 5th graders in a room with no closets or bathroom.

Would I sacrifice my life for one of a student.  Yes.

I can't imagine the educators who are moms and dads.  The struggle they have knowing that one day they may have to choose between their own children and those of another.

Would they sacrifice their life for a student. Yes.

But, when did it become okay to expect this of educators?  I'm asking myself this question as much as anyone else.  When did it become okay to accept school shootings as the norm and to train people for this situation?

I don't know what the answers are.  I know it's a complex issue.  I know there are many different sides and opinions...some we may share and some we may not.

But, kids are being killed.  Kids with a future that won't be lived.  Kids with dreams and with plans.  Teachers are being killed.  Teachers with families.

I don't know what the next steps are, but I know that I can't be silent about what school should be.


School should be a place of learning.
School should be where kids learn to engage socially with friends.
School should be a space where we learn to treat one another.
School should be a place where everyone is respected.
School should be a space where teachers encourage and inspire.
School should be a place where we come together to challenge and empower.

School should be safe.